Coffee Mounds & Lipstick Clouds: 2017-01-15

Friday, January 20, 2017

Being a Lady Is Hard

If you have a vagina, the struggle is too real to put into words. But here I am, over-achieving and shit. Where should I start?

I want to relate to Beyonce and say that I woke up like this.
But I didn't. When I roll out of bed, it goes sorta like this:

After a long shower & a few cups of coffee, I will now speak without rolling my eyes.
(Maybe)
We're allowed to be bitchy, right? That's our species?
Oh. I forgot to mention... Ladies take long showers, OK? We have many body parts to shave, groom, wash, and deep condition. I'm already tired.

I take the towel off my head. Spend a half hour trying to make my mane look effortlessly fabulous, Except it wasn't done effortlessly. If it rains or one person even thinks about touching it, I'm going to scream.
Why won't that one strand cooperate? Is that a gray hair? My split end shampoo clearly isn't working.
Fuck it. I'm wearing a hat.

Now it's time for the whore paint.
I'm not exactly a makeup pro, but I do like to pretend I have a fabulous YouTube audience listening to me talk to myself about how to properly apply eyeshadow. Depending on what my plans are for the day, I have to decide how to paint my face. Eyeliner is a must. I'm so careful. For I want my winged-liner to be sharp enough to kill a man. On most days, though, I have to remove it 5-6 times because this happens:

Sigh.
Lipstick. Duh. I almost never mess this part up. I guess that's the one thing in my favor.
Outfit. Um. I've worn sweatpants every day this week. Maybe I should wear a dress. Fuck, I could make a trash bag look good, right?

Nah. Where are all my comfy tees? Oh yeah, dirty. FML. I'll have to scavenge for something else. Expectation:

Reality:

I can't make this up.

These are the "simple" basics of an everyday routine. Being a bitch is hard, ya'll.

My point in this story is not that I should try hard to be the picture perfect lady I'm capable of being, but that not all ratchets are bad. Mwuahaha. :)

Happy Friday!

Linking up today with:

Thursday, January 19, 2017

Coffee Mugs that Make Us Happy

Who are you kidding? You cannot make it through your hectic morning without your java.

Or booze.

Either way, you're my kind of people.

Every time I see a coffee mug I like, I have to have it. Have you seen the witty shit they put on them now? And the glitter?! Ugh. So great. Like I said, coffee or whiskey, these cups just make me happy.