Friday, January 20, 2017

Being a Lady Is Hard

If you have a vagina, the struggle is too real to put into words. But here I am, over-achieving and shit. Where should I start?

I want to relate to Beyonce and say that I woke up like this.
But I didn't. When I roll out of bed, it goes sorta like this:


After a long shower & a few cups of coffee, I will now speak without rolling my eyes.
(Maybe)
We're allowed to be bitchy, right? That's our species?

Oh. I forgot to mention... 
Ladies take long showers, OK? We have many body parts to shave, groom, wash, and deep condition. I'm already tired.


I take the towel off my head. Spend a half hour trying to make my mane look effortlessly fabulous, Except it wasn't done effortlessly. If it rains or one person even thinks about touching it, I'm going to scream.
Why won't that one strand cooperate? Is that a gray hair? My split end shampoo clearly isn't working.

Fuck it. I'm wearing a hat.


Now it's time for the whore paint.

I'm not exactly a makeup pro, but I do like to pretend I have a fabulous YouTube audience listening to me talk to myself about how to properly apply eyeshadow. Depending on what my plans are for the day, I have to decide how to paint my face. 
Eyeliner is a must. 
I'm so careful. For I want my winged-liner to be sharp enough to kill a man. On most days, though, I have to remove it 5-6 times because this happens:


Sigh.

Lipstick. Duh. I almost never mess this part up. I guess that's the one thing in my favor.
 

Outfit. 
Um.
I've worn sweatpants every day this week. Maybe I should wear a dress.
Fuck, I could make a trash bag look good, right?


Nah.
Where are all my comfy tees? Oh yeah, dirty. FML. I'll have to scavenge for something else.
 
Expectation:


Reality:


I can't make this up.

These are the "simple" basics of an everyday routine. Being a bitch is hard, ya'll

My point in this story is not that I should try hard to be the picture perfect lady I'm capable of being, but that not all ratchets are bad. Mwuahaha. :)


Happy Friday!

Linking up today with:

My Random Musings

Being A Wordsmith

http://admissionsofaworkingmother.com/

Life Love and Dirty Dishes

JENerally Informed



Thursday, January 19, 2017

Coffee Mugs that Make Us Happy

Who are you kidding? You cannot make it through your hectic morning without your java.

Or booze.

Either way, you're my kind of people.


Every time I see a coffee mug I like, I have to have it. Have you seen the witty shit they put on them now? And the glitter?! Ugh. So great. Like I said, coffee or whiskey, these cups just make me happy.







Check out some of my faves via Pinterest. :)


Monday, January 16, 2017

DIY Baby Gates

Oh no. Your little one is at that age where they want to tear shit up. Are you prepared? Want a stylish, inexpensive way to block them off? 
This post is for you. 

Barn Door


Full tutorial can be found here:

Plexi Glass


Tutorial here:

Pallet Gate


Full tutorial here: 

Sliding Gate


Tutorial: 

PVC Pipe Gate


Easy tutorial: 

Plywood Gate


Full tutorial found here: 

Happy crafting! 

Friday, January 13, 2017

Snapchat Fails -- People Having a Bad Day

We all have those days. You wake up & just know something isn't right with it. You crawl out of bed, put on your slippers, and fall down the stairs. 
Damn. 

I've compilated some Snapchat fails of people having a worse day than me & probably you, too. 













So on a scale of 1 to these photo fails, how was your week?!

Happy Friday & thanks for stopping by!

Linking up today with:


My Random Musings

Being A Wordsmith

Life Love and Dirty Dishes

Tuesday, January 10, 2017

2 Minute Coffee Cake in a Mug

I'm all about quick recipes that require little to no effort. I'm trying to drop about 30 pounds, but, coffee cake is my favorite. So I'll cheat just this once. 


Okay, maybe twice.

2 Minute Coffee Cake in a Mug 


What You'll Need:
(2) tbsp Butter
(2) tbsp Sugar
(2) tbsp Applesauce
(3) drops Vanilla Extract
(3/8) cup Flour
(1/8) tsp Baking Powder
(1) pinch of Salt
(1) tbsp Brown Sugar 
(1/4) tsp Cinnamon

What to Do:


  • In a mug soften 1 tbsp of butter in microwave, about 5 seconds. You don’t want it melted, just soft. Stir in 2 tbsp of sugar and mix until well incorporated. Stir in applesauce, vanilla (just a few drops), flour, baking powder, and pinch of salt. Use the back of your spoon to smooth it out in the bottom of the mug.
  • In a separate, small bowl, combine 1 tbsp of butter, 2 tbsp of flour, 1 tbsp of brown sugar, and ¼ tsp cinnamon. Use your fingers to to pinch the butter and mix it in with the other ingredients. When it starts to look like lumpy sand and all ingredients are combined, pour on top of cake batter in mug.
  • Cook in the microwave for 50-80 seconds depending on your microwave. At 1 minute, my microwave cooks it perfectly. It will look just barely set on top. You don’t want to overcook it and things tend to get ugly fast in the microwave. Eat white it’s still warm. YUM

  • Linking up today with:

    Epic Mommy Adventures

    JENerally Informed

    Friday, January 6, 2017

    Why Every Mom Says F*ck

    We're all guilty of it. Slipping that lovely 'F' bomb. Some more than others. Nonetheless, it gets dropped. By accident and on purpose. 

    Especially....

    When you're a parent. 

    I always thought before I had my child that I would really tone down my language and watch my mouth to be a good example. 
    & I am. Sort of. 

    I pictured myself as Betty Crocker, baking everything on God's green Earth & tucking the sweet babies in at 7 PM. A Mother Teresa if you will.


     How naive of me. After getting left-hooked in the face by motherhood, the picture I previously painted became the lifelong laugh of my days.
    This looks more like it:


    Or maybe this:

    As long as none of you are like this:

    I f*cking hate Farrah. Lol.

    I love being a mama. It just comes with situations that have me like, F*ckkkk.

    I've always had "curse" words in my almost everyday speech. I try not to write on my blog this way too much, I know some are too sensitive for it.
    But f*ck 'em.
     
    F*ck

    What a universal word. You can throw it in any sentence, you know? I think it's odd if you don't occasionally use it. It's a stress reliever. Go ahead, it just feels good. Just because I'm a mom doesn't mean I can't say it.


    F*ck yeah Martha, I totally f*cking agree.

    Here are some prime times when moms say this wonderful word, or secretly want to say it.
    • The kid(s) just broke something.
    • You just broke something.
    • You forgot to grab something. 
    • The wine spilled. (Holy f*ck)
    • School functions. 
    • The sink is full.
    • It's cold outside.
    • Lipstick smeared.
    • Out of milk.
    • You drop something.
    •  The food is burnt.
    • Coffee got cold. 
    • There's a mess.
    • There's not a mess.
    • On your birthday.
    • Not on your birthday.  
    You get my point.

    Like I said, it's a stress reliever. Being a parent is one of those things where that "frowned upon" word is completely acceptable to use. It was probably my first spoken word, and I turned out pretty okay, right?


    When do you use this sentence enhancer? :)

    For those with the curse word sensitivity, not to worry. I usually try to filter my posts. But I know I'm not the only one here!

    Thanks for reading! 

    Linking up today with:

    Being A Wordsmith

    My Random Musings
    Life Love and Dirty Dishes