Thursday, January 26, 2017

How To Not Be A Dick: A Child's Guide

Every child hits a stage where they're just an asshole. I don't think the vast world of science & technology could even begin to explain the reason why. It just happens. As a parent, you have to know how to deal with the messiness of childlike behavior without acting like one yourself. 

Alright kiddies.
Before your mom has to tell you for the 23940175 time, I'm going to give you some basic guidelines on How To Not Be A Dick. 
I know you want to roll out of bed and go jump on your Mom to wake her up. 
You know how you always throw your toys just because you like the loud noise?
Stop it.
The way you diddle your ass instead of getting ready, & we're already late.
Put your fucking shoes on.
When it comes to your food... I know it's so cute to throw it on the floor and watch the dog jump for it.
Eat it.

Sure, we can watch Paw Patrol instead. But you know what you have to do?
ACTUALLY watch it.
If you're thinking about dunking something into the toilet, 
Think again. 
In the grocery store, it's okay to be bored. But for fuck's sake
Don't make a scene. 
If it isn't yours, 
Don't be getting into it. 
If you want to be heard, 
You do not need to raise your voice. I'm standing right in front of you.
Instead of going all Indiana Jones & trying to climb on the counters to get something out of a cabinet,
Just ask. 
When Mommy goes to the bathroom,
Let her have some privacy. She just wants to shit in peace.
Sharpies are markers. Meant for paper & other crafts.
Not for your body or the walls.
Sure, your brother is being crazy too.
Don't hit him.
I know you have secret super powers and can climb up the wall, 
Resist this urge.

When it comes to sticking things up your nose or in your ears,
Seriously? You're an animal. 

If mom said no,
That most likely means no.

You want to play a game on Mom's phone?
Fine. No need to text everyone in her inbox some made up language. 

When it comes to making a big mess, if you wouldn't wanna clean it up,
Don't do it.

If you want to dance around the house half-naked,
Man. Go for it.

You see, the moral of the story here is, 
If you don't want Mommy to be a dick...
You probably shouldn't be one either. 
  Enjoy the insanity, mamas! :)
Linking up with:
My Random Musings

Being A Wordsmith

Life Love and Dirty Dishes