Thursday, January 26, 2017

How To Not Be A Dick: A Child's Guide

Every child hits a stage where they're just an asshole. I don't think the vast world of science & technology could even begin to explain the reason why. It just happens. As a parent, you have to know how to deal with the messiness of childlike behavior without acting like one yourself. 

Alright kiddies.
Before your mom has to tell you for the 23940175 time, I'm going to give you some basic guidelines on How To Not Be A Dick. 
I know you want to roll out of bed and go jump on your Mom to wake her up. 
You know how you always throw your toys just because you like the loud noise?
Stop it.
The way you diddle your ass instead of getting ready, & we're already late.
Put your fucking shoes on.
When it comes to your food... I know it's so cute to throw it on the floor and watch the dog jump for it.
Eat it.

Sure, we can watch Paw Patrol instead. But you know what you have to do?
ACTUALLY watch it.
If you're thinking about dunking something into the toilet, 
Think again. 
In the grocery store, it's okay to be bored. But for fuck's sake
Don't make a scene. 
If it isn't yours, 
Don't be getting into it. 
If you want to be heard, 
You do not need to raise your voice. I'm standing right in front of you.
Instead of going all Indiana Jones & trying to climb on the counters to get something out of a cabinet,
Just ask. 
When Mommy goes to the bathroom,
Let her have some privacy. She just wants to shit in peace.
Sharpies are markers. Meant for paper & other crafts.
Not for your body or the walls.
Sure, your brother is being crazy too.
Don't hit him.
I know you have secret super powers and can climb up the wall, 
Resist this urge.

When it comes to sticking things up your nose or in your ears,
Seriously? You're an animal. 

If mom said no,
That most likely means no.

You want to play a game on Mom's phone?
Fine. No need to text everyone in her inbox some made up language. 

When it comes to making a big mess, if you wouldn't wanna clean it up,
Don't do it.

If you want to dance around the house half-naked,
Man. Go for it.

You see, the moral of the story here is, 
If you don't want Mommy to be a dick...
You probably shouldn't be one either. 
  Enjoy the insanity, mamas! :)
Linking up with:
My Random Musings

Being A Wordsmith

Life Love and Dirty Dishes


  1. Great post. Very cute and relatable with a touch of humour. #StayClassyMama

  2. Haha! Love it! My kids do every single one of these.

  3. haha, perhaps all mums everywhere should just print this off and hang it somewhere so all the children can see and then we can just refer them to it #FridayFrolics

    1. Laminate and hang it in every room! Lmao, thanks for stopping by :)

  4. Is that your kid climbing the door post? Give him a duster next time he's up there. #fridayfrolics

    1. Bwahaha, I wish that was my kid. I would never dust again. Thanks so much for stopping by!

  5. My children are dicks on purpose, I think they just hate me. #stayclassymama

    1. Right? It's just enjoyable to them I suppose. Fuckers!
      Thanks for stopping by!

  6. Yes- quit being assholes guys!

  7. Bwhahahaha! This would make our jobs so much easier. I vote this be required reading starting at birth. :) Too funny!


  8. HA HA HILARIOUS! If only the little bastards could actually read this (and understand it)! #FridayFrolics

  9. Sure, we can watch Paw Patrol instead. But you know what you have to do?
    ACTUALLY watch it.

    YES x1000. You turn on your show and then are dancing around in the other room leaving me to watch Raphael fall in love with some alien salamander warrior as they both save the Turtles from eminent doom.

    Thanks for sharing on Friday Frivolity.

  10. I need to print this out and make it our house rules. Love it. Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  11. I had never really thought about these things as such - I just knew they did my head in. Now you mention them, it's amazing how much I can relate! Really enlightening post - yes, I'm not alone!

    Lol - love this!

    Thanks for linking up to #AnythingGoes

  12. Dropping in again from #trafficjamweekend Linky. Love this post! So funny. My kids do almost all of these!

  13. I so need to do that hose trick to my kids! The oldest would just smirk at me, but the little ones wouldn't know what was going on! Also, I wish I could share this with my kids and have it work!

  14. These are so true! My son loves a loud noise - will bash anything about - just to see what noise it makes. AAAGGGHH! #stayclassymama

  15. Haha! Love it! But sadly I don't see them listening to this anytime soon! Thanks so much for joining us on #FridayFrolics

  16. I think my youngest just bangs things repeatedly to see how long it takes for me to lose my shit. I think I'm getting better, but she definitely is!

    1. They love driving us to drinking & insanity! Little hoodlums. Lmao. Thanks so much for stopping by & also visiting our new linky party! XO

  17. Stopping back again from #showmeyours. Hilarious. Really. My kids do them all!

  18. you should do this for every age - I'd love to read the teenage one - it might have to be a three part post tho...#Showmeyours

  19. Ha! I missed this post when it landed on #FridayFrivolity, but I'm so glad I caught it here!

  20. This is going on my fridge. And my bedroom door. #showmeyours

  21. This is brilliant! So hilarious and so damn true!!!